This is going to be a different kind of post. Something is different. Something is changing in me.
Such a beautiful shot that tree and rainbow. Not mine.
But that is how I’m going to try and look at the world from now on. Looking for a rainbow, even when a storm is approaching. At least I will try. I used to live that way all the time. Then my life really took a nose dive. That nose dive was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.
This time of reflection, while I’ve been taking care of myself, repairing (not preparing) for my next assault on the AT, has put me in a Spiritual mood.
There have been so many instances in my past that I’ve shrugged off; considered them just serendipity. I’m not doing that anymore. It has just made me sad, and confused. Mostly confused and left out. I don’t want to be left out. Different for different’s sake.
Somewhere in the last 10 years, I lost my Faith. I faked God in the beginning when I got sober 21 years ago, and then I accepted that it wasn’t me who completely changed my life. It was something greater than me.
I thought I was so smart for so long. I’m not so smart anymore. Not so different. Do you know how much energy it takes to keep a mind slammed shut?
I have always thought of myself as special. I am not. I don’t want to be special. I don’t want to feel like I have to be better. I want to be good enough just as I am. Just as I am.
My mind is more open now. Like my cousin Kim says, “It’s like walking in the dark.” Trusting God to take care of you.
Just waiting to see what happens and going with it whenever possible.
Walking in the dark.
I am a drop. God is the ocean. I am the ocean.
I want to live more from my heart and less from my head. Knowing how to be a better me and actually being a better me, are two very different things.
I’m going to live differently.
I will try to put others first. I will try to always be kind. Kindness is everything. I will believe that I am cared for. I will begin growing my Faith again.
I will not be the special one anymore. I will not have to be different.
Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours on the AT, just north of the Pinnacle. I was testing out my foot and my new eyes. Eyes were much improved. I really looked.
My Achilles is still nagging me. Monday, I will begin PT on my foot.
It was so good to have my feet on the AT following the White Blazes. I love the Appalachian Trail.
Quite the contrary. Maybe I’m found.