I’m just beginning to feel again. I’ve been going through the practiced motions of my life, not feeling. At least not feeling what I remember now, what my life has always been. Happy.

A few years ago it all started. I had a gun in my face and at that moment, I didn’t know if I would live or die. I have never been so close to death and it was terrifying.

It changed my whole outlook on my life. The world that I always saw in bright colors, became different. My optimism left me. I got PTSD. I was afraid to stop my car at intersections in Cape Town. people became a constant threat. Looking down the barrel of a 9mm, killed nearly 70 years of optimism.

Then I had a TIA. I was caught in a life with 3 possibilities. Relatively normal, disabled, or dead. I was in a pawn shop the day after the stroke. I looked up and against the wall were guitars. Lots of electric guitars. I said to myself, “You might as well buy one. You may be dead tomorrow.”

I have been constantly worried about my health since then.

I never thought about drinking, but my eating has been out of control. My recliner became the most important thing in my life. I would get up, go to AA, maybe exercise, have some lunch, and go to the recliner.

I’ve been hiding from my feelings, from my friends, and from my life.

A few weeks ago, I began climbing out of the worst depression I have ever experienced. I had to do something, so I began talking to my wife, to my friends, seeing a therapist, and sharing honestly, for me, at AA.

It has lifted for now.

I started this post with those pictures of my girls. I would have put up a photo of Yolande, but she wouldn’t like that. You’ll have to imagine what she looks like.

They are the 3 most important people on the planet for me, but for a while I am putting myself first, so I can stay out of that black hole, in order to be a good dad and husband.

I’ve made some new friends, too, from an AA group called “The Central Park West” group. I feel cooler because I have friends from the “Upper West Side.”

The balloons coming up in my Zoom square were what took me up over the edge. I am walking through my world again. The colorful one. I feel like doing things again.

I’m doing my best to adjust to being 73. I got rid of 2 snowboards, a pair of skis, and 2 surfboards. I’m not doing those things anymore. Man, that was really hard. But it’s really ok.

So I don’t know why I started with Marta and Jennie. Just seemed like a good place to start.

Oh right! Jennie and I were texting and I told her I would have to sign off, because I was in an AA meeting. She wrote me back, “I Love You Dad❤️. GO AA!!!”

Causing a full body smile.

A.I.