There is something about Sunday morning. It is the start of the end of the weekend. For me it was the start of settling back into the work week. The work week that no longer exists for me. It’s different and the same. There is a rhythm to every week. It repeats; changes as the years go on but repeats for sure.
It was recovery from Saturday night for many years. I used to drink. Too much most times in the end. So Sunday was recovery from the weekend escape also related to work. While I was coaching there was no escape. I worked every day. It occupied nearly every hour of every day. I had to win. Winning takes way too much work for someone like me. I have always been a burn out. Work my ass off, be good at it, and quit. I loved and hated the cycle. Football. Then Volleyball. Then Theater. I miss all three, mostly the Theater. It was more fullfilling than the other two.
I was good at all three. I had good teachers and I payed attention. Not being successful for them was not an option so it was not an option for me either. I could coach championship teams again. I know I could. It was the one thing I was really good at. Playing and coaching. I was bad at everything else…maybe that’s why I miss the theater the most. It was the same kind of work for me but a really different kind of kid. The kind of kid I wanted to be.
I played sports because I was good at it. Really good at it, so pretty much all my self esteem was built around that success. I was good at the “team” stuff, too. Sacrifice. Committment. Total Investment. I liked making the decisions. Being in charge. I was fearless on the field and as a coach. I had so much confidence.
When I started directing theater, I knew nothing about how to do it. I went to a mentor and was taught the process and it just took off for me. I got to express stuff on stage through the actors. Ideas. Thoughts. Who I was inside. I loved it. One of the most interesting things happened.
I found a one act play called “Interview.” It was a satire/comedy filled with insight about the interview process. When I read it, my personal life was falling apart. All my scorecards were beginning to read zero. Marriage shot. Family falling apart. Isolation. Not drinking obsessively yet but no coping skills. I read “Interview” as a tragedy. Dark, Very dark. I dressed the cast in black with a silver and black line bisecting their faces through their left eye. On the front of their shirts was a white weird design that when they all stood together made an abstract face. You couldn’t see it until they all stood together at the end. I put music and pantomime into the show in scenes between each section of the play. Peter Gabriel mostly and some other spooky stuff. Dark. Very dark. I thought this was how the play should be done.
I had no idea that it was a comedy. We performed it at combined practice with 3 other high schools. I was terrified. The other directors didn’t quite know what to make of it. It was the first time they had ever seen it done that way and the first time I ever really put myself out like that in any way. We performed it at the New Hope One Act Play Competition and won Best Production! They thought it was a brilliant interpretation. I had no idea what I was doing except that I was depressed and in a dark place myself so that’s how the play turned out!
Sunday Morning. I was writing about Sunday Morning.
Last night I spoke at an Alcoholics Annonymous meeting. It was at 8 pm. I don’t function at 8 pm. My brain works best at 5 am. Like now. In the morning I can be sad and it is ok for some reason and I write best from a place of deep feeling. I guess everone does. Anyway, I can only feel deeply and express myself when alone and mostly in the morning. So I sucked last night. I wanted everyone to know what AA means to me. I wanted them to know how it has saved my life and all I did was speak. I said the words and the feelings weren’t there. I acted. It sucked. Maybe not for them but for me. Speaking at an AA meeting is one of the most important things I do and I can’t seem to get the feelings going sometimes. So I feel like I suck at it. I feel unconnected to the people there and to the world around me.
That connected thing is what I crave and have not found recently. My health has been bad, maybe that is it. I am depressed I think for real.
Shower now. AA meeting. Connect. Feel better. Repeat.