Ugh.

No energy. Ever had one of those days when you just don’t have it? I have spent most of my life…correction, I spend most of my life in a slight state of depression. It sits in me, sometimes for days, just below the surface.

It has been like this most of my life. I have been taking medication for depression for 16 years. The illness never really showed itself until my parents and my brother were all at the end of their lives.

I was pretty much the only one consistently around at that time. My brother John was very supportive, but supportive from North Carolina. I was dealing with mostly everything on my own. I got shingles.

Shingles. That nerve disorder reserved for “old” people with compromised immune systems. Shingles is the Chicken Pox virus that is sitting near your spinal cord, waiting to jump along a nerve and affect some part of your body. Pain is the most common symptom. Some people get a lesion. I didn’t. Just tingling and pain. It was in my neck and scalp. I was fortunate. It can attack an eye and cause blindness.

Back to the point. Depression.

For me it is like a low grade fever. Waiting for the chance to become alarmingly real. Most of the time I just go about my business. I distract it. I deny it. I push it down. I eat. I used to try and drink it away. Ha. Alcohol is a depressant.

Don’t get me wrong. I am mostly ok. Maybe I am more ok than most. I still have the drive to succeed. Accomplish things. Thank Heaven for that!

It feels like this.

See that sign on the left? As I approached this spot I stopped and took this photo because I got a lift in my spirit, seeing that sign. I was so lonely at the time that even a sign facing away,?was better than what was in my head. It didn’t really matter what it said. It was proof that other people existed somewhere near that spot. Someone had to put that sign there.

Lonely. Loneliness strikes me often. It is a symptom of the depression. When I am by myself sometimes, I get to missing all the people, places, and things that I have lost in my life.

Too many losses. I’m not going to list them now, but there have been too many.

Paul, Jim, and South Africa.

I have spoken about these things before. I’m not going to elaborate.

I don’t think the losses cause the depression. I think the depression makes the losses more severe.

Wow. This is really a bummer.

I guess I needed to think about this stuff. Share it. Take away its power.

I think I’m growing up. Grown ups do things they don’t want to do, just because they need to be done. Dishes. Laundry. Food shopping. Those are my home chores. I do them because one of us in this marriage has to.

Landi cleans. Keeps the house very clean. Takes the bedding to the laundry changes the sheets and all. I think she likes to do that stuff.

She has been an adult longer than I.

I do religion. Yup. Christianity. I chose it after years of educating myself and because I met a Christian that I liked. One I look up to. One who acts like Jesus. That is what Christians are supposed to do. Act like Jesus tells us to act. I read passages from the New Testament, daily. Yes. Every day in the morning.

I fail miserably at being a model Christian. It’s hard, but it’s worth it. I have direction in my life.

For over 2000 years, large groups of people have followed the life and teachings of Jesus.

It’s ok to do that. It’s ok to go to church. I don’t much but I’m trying to.

There are churches that welcome gays and lesbians. Why not? If you read, you find out that Jesus spent all his time with the people the church, at the time, ostracized.

I believe that is what a good Christian does. Includes everyone. Excludes no one. There are churches like that. Inclusive, no matter who you are.

I realized the other day that we use the word religion as a positive adjective. If you workout religiously, that is a really good thing. Funny that. It feels to me so times that all I hear is the negative side of some religious people, and therefore, all us Christians get thrown in that barrel. That is wrong.

I lean on God. It is a crutch. It helps me cope. Helps me to be a better person. I believe that the Holy Spirit lives in my heart now. It guides me. I try and pay attention to the direction I receive. It comes from my heart sometimes, mostly it comes from other people. I pay attention. I look for God working in my life.

It is happening. That is why I feel grown up now.

I read, sometimes pray, and meditate every morning. I meditate with Tai Chi. The Tai Chi exercises my body and my Spirit.

When I do that. I have mostly better days. I am happy. I help the people I love in my life, and try hard to help the ones I don’t like much. That is the hard part of Christianity. Treating everyone in a loving way. Loving them. Forgiving them. Asking their forgiveness when I need to. No matter when or who.

I’m in my tent now, halfway through a hike. I went 9 miles today and will do 9 tomorrow to the place where I finished on my last hike. I am at around 868 miles. At 1100 I will be halfway finished the Appalachian Trail.

Tomorrow I am quitting my hiking until April when we return from SA.

I have to pack now. Not right now, but when I get home on Tuesday. Pack. We are moving in December to a flat in Easton. We need to live in more of a city. Our new home is right in downtown Easton. The Historic Section. A block away from the State Theater. We are surrounded by restaurants, galleries, and coffee shops. We are 4 blocks from the confluence of the Delaware and Lehigh rivers. It is kayak, paddle board, and bike path heaven.

My grandson, Vinnie goes to Lafayette. I will get to spend time with him and get involved with Lafayette College! I will be living in a college town and tourist destination. That is where my home will be. How cool is that.

It’s days from when I wrote the above stuff. Today I am really well. Good. Too. We get the keys to our new place in 3 days! We are just about packed. Let’s go!!!!!!

Karma. We need to have coffee! I need to talk to you about the Christian stuff. And I miss you!

A.I.

3 thoughts on “Ugh.

  1. Easton sounds great! I periodically look for a church, but haven’t found a good fit anywhere. I promised myself that I would try Salem this Sunday. I know they’re big on accepting the lgbtq community, so that could be interesting. Don’t think I could ever call myself a Christian, although I do have a personal relationship with Jesus. I had an epiphany where his Spirit came to me and it made all the difference in my life at that time, but I’ve kind of gotten away from it. I have problems with labels in religion. But I think I’d like to be in a community with like-minded people that actually get things done for the community at Large. Eh… just some random thoughts. Anyway, hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

    Lindy

    Sent from AOL Mobile Ma

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thanks for sharing your concerns and what’s on your mind. I too have been battling depression and anxiety. After caring for my parents in 92,93,and 94 my doctor put me on Prozac. That helped at first but later just left me with simptons of bipolar. Therapist were good too. Don’t take the meds anymore cause I’ve come to realize I’m as good as I am. On Dec 10th I’ll be at Mercer for my 42nd time of being Santa at their Christmas Open house. I love it. It’s mainly a picture opportunity but I have fun. Marty Stern says hi. We talked about you and our birthdays coming up. Be nice if the 3 of us could get together. Ok enjoy your new home. Chris

    Liked by 1 person

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